“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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yes yes a thousand times yes!
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.