accurate
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Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]