@Cornjerker78

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

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@SavageDabs69

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

@RiotGrlErin

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

@weinerdog4life

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

@Smug_Lemur

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

@KimmyMonte

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

@MrGeorgeWallace

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

@Smethanie

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

@TheFirstDudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.