Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
That’s enough internet for the day
Mmmm canned fish.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.