Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Donkey Kong sommelier
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?