*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
worst…sale…ever
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.