Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I only eat vegetarians.