I only eat vegetarians.
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
oh you wanna fight?!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.