If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Home is where your toilet is.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
men are simple creatures