men are simple creatures
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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace