When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
You Might Also Like
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated