Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out