Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Animal poetry
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*