I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
You Might Also Like
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster