*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
2: What鈥檚 for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what鈥檚 for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I鈥檓 hungry!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
What if the weather talks about us?
RIP fred flintstone he would鈥檝e loved treadmills.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I鈥檓 at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Just me?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 饾槫饾槶饾槮饾槩饾槼饾槶饾樅 adhering to the volume guidelines
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
no one ever comes back
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.