RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
![]()
You Might Also Like
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
![]()
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas