Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
![]()
You Might Also Like
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said