Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss