why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
remember
only for emergencies
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores