imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.