Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.