*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Donkey Kong sommelier
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving