I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.