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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.