I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
There are no pants in heaven.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.