My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.