Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me driving through Toronto
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you