Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.