Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
seems like a niche market
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend