A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
You Might Also Like
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”