the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.