Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
water it, i dare you
It do be feeling this way.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
<—- homeless romantic
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.