It do be feeling this way.
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Damn he played himself
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity