I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
This probably isn’t good
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.