Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
❤️❤️❤️
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*