What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands