before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“I FIXED IT!”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.