So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
me hooking up with my ex
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??