You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”