Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
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Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Happy birthday to all the women
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
i choose….tongue
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
When your man makes a valid point
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”