Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games