Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
They’re called werewolves.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls