How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
i- i did not expect this
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*