Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
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Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
79.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.