My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
You Might Also Like
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door