@flashember

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

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@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

@UnFitz

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

@GrantTanaka

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

@Marlebean

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

@kevinthedad

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@GuyEndoreKaiser

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.