@CulturedRuffian My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
@flashember [documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
You Might Also Like
@CulturedRuffian 
@thepunningman I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
@UnFitz I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
@GrantTanaka applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
@Marlebean They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
@kevinthedad The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
@ParentNormal VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
@GuyEndoreKaiser The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
@Super70sSports Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
@dougbies There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door