[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
There are usually two types of merchants.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit