why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
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A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
This is so me 😂😂
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.