Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it