Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies