My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew