When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’ve been learning to cook.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder