87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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what does he know…
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Got ya covered
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.