Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this