My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
You Might Also Like
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”