@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

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@OwensDamien

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

@tastefactory

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

@CarpentersCrack

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

@wolfpupy

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead